well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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