i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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