I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
