He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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