I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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