My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Text me some of your sweat
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