i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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