did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
