I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm both gender and math confused
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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