he shaved USA in his pubs
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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