Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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