if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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