Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
