one two three fourrrrnication!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
