shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
