You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
