the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have feelings that need drinking.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize