Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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