Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
