I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
