we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
