I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize