Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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