Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
