Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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