I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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