Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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