i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
