Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize