great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
