plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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