wrigley field is MILF paradise
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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