Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
