Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize