I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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