If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
