He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
