It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
