Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
