i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
