i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
we're making bets on your personal life
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
