Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
