***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
