Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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