I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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