i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize