yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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