I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
