I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
