If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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