I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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