Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Two words: blizzard sex
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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