I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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